The Blue Screen of Death
by mystiri1
Summary: One-shot. Crack-fic. The Blue Screen of Death has struck again, and Cid and Leon have only one thing on their minds as they face their impending doom. Yes, that's right: Cid/Leon. Shounen-ai. Sort of.


A request fic for Loxetta. Prompt: Cid/Leon, the Blue Screen of Death. (If you don't know what this is, are you sure you're actually sitting in front of a computer right now?)

_**Warning:** This story contains mention of male/male sexual relationships, offensive language, Cid, poorly-supported stereotypes, and what passes for my sense of humour. If you continue reading, you have no excuses_.

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"So what is it this time?" Cid growled as he stalked into the computer room.

Leon stared at the glowing blue screen uncomprehendingly. A mixture of white letters and numbers were the only features to mar the perfect blue, and there were some words he recognised; it just didn't make any sense to him.

"Cid. What is this?"

"Aw, shit. That's the Blue Screen of Death."

Leon turned in credulous eyes on him. "The what?

"The Blue Screen of Death." The chain-smoking gummi mechanic leaned over and read the screen. "Yep. That's it, alright. The whole damned OS is gonna have to be reinstalled. Then I'll have to check the user data is intact, probably reinstall half the hardware, too – Shit. I think the whole 'of Death' thing's gonna be a bit more literal than usual."

"What do you mean?"

"The defence system is now offline. And it's going to stay that way for some time. We're gonna be overrun by Heartless." He made an irritated sound. "I'm gonna be killed by the freakin' Blue Screen of Death. Stupid fucking Windows."

"Well, fix it!" Leon was aware his voice was rising, but he'd thought they were past worrying about the whole town being overrun by Heartless. That was what the defence system was for.

"I told you, it's not that simple." Cid stared down at the lambent blue with a baleful stare. "We're talking hours, maybe days to get a system of this size up and running again, completely bug-free. Why do you think this piece of shit is still running on the same Windows '98 Ansem installed ten years ago?" He kicked the console, and swore as the steel casing refused to give way under his foot. "In the meantime, we're all gonna die because of the fuckin' Blue Screen of Death. Hell," he muttered, "forget the screen; I'm gonna die with blue balls. It's been at least three months since I got laid."

Leon didn't think he was really supposed to hear that last bit, but it made him snort. "Only three?" It had been five months for him. That was how long it had been since Cloud had left on another of his Sephiroth-hunting expeditions. Leon liked Cloud. The blond swordsman never expected any of that romance bullshit. Leon didn't have time for that kind of thing; there was always too much work to be done. But that meant he didn't have any time to find someone else to share his bed whenever Cloud took off.

The two men stared at each other.

Leon wasn't sure which of them moved first, but suddenly their mouths were moving against each other, hungry and demanding. Cid tasted like cigarettes and tea; Leon didn't mind the latter so much, but wasn't sure he really liked the nicotine aftertaste. And had nobody ever taught the man to shave properly? He liked blonds, but he much preferred them smooth-shaven, or even completely without facial hair as Cloud was from the mako treatments he'd received. Cid's stubble felt rough and uncomfortable against his skin.

And what was even worse, the mechanic was trying to push him back up against the console in a way that made Leon think –

He pulled back abruptly.

"I'm on top," he said flatly.

Cid snorted. "As if."

Leon's eyes narrowed warningly. "I don't bottom."

"There is only one of us in this room who bears a passing resemblance to a twink, and it sure as hell ain't me," Cid said, jabbing his cigarette towards Leon in emphasis. Leon wondered what he'd done with it when they were kissing, and made a note to check his jacket for cigarette burns.

"Twink?" he growled.

Cid backed up a little. "You're younger and prettier than me, that's all I'm saying."

The two men glared at each other.

"Fuck." The word carried a wealth of feeling behind it. Leon was tempted to do some swearing of his own.

"So you said you're going to have to reinstall – something? How long will that take?" he asked instead.

"Hard to say. But it could be awhile." Cid turned and flicked a latch on the console Lon hadn't even realised was there. It spilled open to reveal a stack of discs. "Good thing I know where Ansem kept all his Master CDs. Guess I'd better get started."

"Right. In the meantime, I guess we'll just have to deal with the Heartless the old-fashioned way." Leon strode towards the door, practically ripping his sword from its sheath, feeling angry and frustrated in more ways than one.

At least he'd get to kill something.


End file.
